The Problem with Vincent
by Trio of Terror
Summary: Yet another two years after Advent Children, and the squad has a reunion picnic. Yet, of course, some moron has to ruin everything. And Vincent has a...! [Rating for language] BY NANASHI R
1. The Picnic

The Problem with Vincent

By Nanashi, one of the three prongs of the Trio of Terror

DISCLAIMER: I don't own ANY final fantasy people. Although I wish….+

Yet ANOTHER two years has passed by in the FFVII realm after Advent Children. The group has gotten together for a reunion. Yet, of course, some retard has to ruin everything. Teen+ for language and unsettling situations.

Oh, and i doubt if airships have landing gear. I just gave the Sierra some for the hell of it. Sorry if anyone is OOC.

By the way, 'Red' is Red XIII.

Cid steered the _Sierra_ across the sky, looking for a place to land. Yuffie was _not_ feeling at all well.

"Cid! Hurry it up!"

"Eh, shut up. There's a bathroom in back, if you need to puke."

"But Cid!"

"Shut up!"

"But—"

"I SAID SHUT UP, DAMNIT! I'M TRYING TO CONSENTRATE!"

Yuffie muttered a bit and tried to keep her stomach under control to no avail. She launched off to the bathroom. Barret chuckled.

"Who would think a ninja could get motion sick?"

"…"

"What's up, Cloud?" Tifa asked, walking over to him.

"Nothing, just—"

"—Being emo?"

"Well… I wouldn't call it that. I was just remembering… we've been here before. It's where that Chocobo ranch used to be."

"Oh yeah! I honestly have no clue as to how you remember these things, Cloud. I wonder what happened to these people…?"

The intercom crackled overhead, and Red groaned.

"Oy, Yuffie!" Cid half-screamed into the mic. His voice echoed across the ship. "Get your stomach in control and get your ass out here! I ain't gonna be responsible if you get you get your brains splattered on the ceiling when we land!"

Barret dug a finger into his ear and shook it vigorously. "You don't have to Yell, Cid. The intercom amplifies your voice ten times."

"I know. I built it, after all. You don't have to tell me how my things work." He waited four seconds and hit the landing gear button. Then started an uncomfortably rapid decent as the airship plummeted to the ground like a stone. Cloud and Tifa hung onto a rail with all their might. Barret swore and rose off the ground. He then was slammed into the floor from the weight of the deceleration as Cid slowed before the ship hit the ground. Barret regained consciousness.

"You could have taken it a bit slower, bitch. You nearly spilled my brains."

"Too bad. I wasn't trying hard enough. Suck it up. You're a grown man."

"I'll get you for this, Cid"

"Sure you will. And I may sprout bunny ears and a tail," Cid retorted sarcastically. He then turned off the main engines and locked the wheel. "Let's just go and get this picnic done and over with."

Yuffie staggered out, supported by Vincent. Vincent was carrying a rather large picnic basket.

"Cid, you son of a bitch, you call that a landing!" Yuffie cried out hoarsely. "I nearly spilled more than my breakfast!"

"I DID give you a warning."

"Some warning!"

Vincent raised an eyebrow. "Let's just go and get this picnic over and done with."

"Whoa!" Barret muttered. "Déjà vu!"

Cloud shook his head vigorously, trying to clear his head of excess blood. "Let's just go, already. I want to get out of this airship. The LEAST you could have done was put in some seats and seatbelts."

-+END CHAPTER ONE+-

It'll get more interesting. And we'll get to Vincent's problem later. Ciao!


	2. Chocobo Burgers!

The Problem with Vincent

DISCLAIMER: you know the routine. I don't own FFVII+

After about an hour, the picnic was set up and the grill was happily grilling. Vincent glared at the cheerful grill.

"Yo, Vince!" Barret shouted, slapping him on the back. "Whazzup, bud?"

Vincent twitched at the nickname and glared at the huge man. "Why?"

"You just look grumpy, that's all. This is a happy time!"

"I think your 'hot dogs' are burning," he noted mildly, watching the now enthusiastically smoking grill.

"Eiyah! Goddamn!"

"Kyah! It's so cute!" Yuffie cried, pointing at a Chocobo that stuck its head out from the grass.

BANG.

"Oops…"

Everyone looked at Vincent's calm face, then to his smoking gun, then to the dead Chocobo. A silence fell. Cid chuckled nervously.

"Chocobo burgers, anyone?"

"How could you do that, Vince!" Yuffie almost screamed.

"´Vince'? You're starting to sound like Highwind. And it wasn't me. It was Chaos—er…" Vincent looked up, as though trying to remember something. He flushed slightly.

"What did that demon bastard say?"

Vincent coughed delicately. "You don't really want to know."

VWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

"Barret! That's disgusting!" Tifa whined.

"Then don't look, damnit. Keep your focus on your boyfriend, then." Barret went back to cutting pieces off the dead Chocobo. Tifa and Cloud blushed.

"Keep that damned demon under control!"

"Yuffie, please. I'm right in front of you. You don't have to yell."

"_You killed a Chocobo!_"

"Ah, I've already explained this. **I** did not kill the bird, **Chaos** killed it. He calls you an annoying bitch who needs to have her tongue cut out, by the way."

"**_WHAT!_**"

"His word, not mine."

Yuffie walked off and sulked.

Finteen minutes later, Cid walked over from the grill.

"Who wants a Chocobo burger?"

"You were _serious?_" Tifa asked incredulously.

"Hell yeah. I've never had Chocobo before. I'm curious as to what it tastes like."

"That's gross, Cid."

"'Sez you."

"Ciiiiiid!" Tifa whined. "

"That sounds interesting," Cloud said, "I'll have one."

"Clouud!"

"Yes?"

"Humph."

Cid scanned the rest of the people. His eyes fell on Vincent. "Hey, Vince, you want one? I haven't seen you eat anything."

"I'm not very hungry, Highwind." Vincent scanned the grassland around them.

"Whaddaya lookin' for, Vince?"

"Not what, who."

"Alright, then. Who?"

All of a sudden, a girl popped out of the tall grass and glomped Vincent from behind, causing the man to fall forward onto his face.

"Her," Vincent said shortly.

"Vince!" The girl squealed. "Finally found you! It took forever! You're very bad at giving directions, you know that?"

Everyone stared at Vincent, who hadn't yet killed the girl.

_-Yar, I HATE that girl.-_

"_You don't have to like her, Chaos. I don't have to meet your demands."_

_-You'll never be rid of me though.-_

"_So you've told me countless times. Leave me alone, Chaos. I'm in too good of a mood to have it spoiled by you."_

_-!-_

"Vince? Who is she?" Yuffie asked, squatting down next to him.

"Vince," the girl chided, getting off him and pulling him up, "haven't you told them about me?"

"No, sorry."

She was around 5'7" with really long black hair and eyes. She wore a red dress and a sunny disposition.

"Well, then introduce me!"

Sigh.

"This is Arana. She's my…friend."

"_Girl_friend, Vince. _Girl_friend."

Silence.

"What!"

So… yeah. The italics toward the end are thoughts, Vince's and Chaos's, to be specific. _–The ones like this are Chaos.-_


	3. Binky Valentine

The Problem with Vincent chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII… if I did, I'd be rich.

* * *

A silence followed. A silence to beat all silences. Barret coughed slightly.

"Vince?" Yuffie said, shocked. "Vince has a girlfriend?"

"Yeah, so?" Vincent half-pouted, feeling as though he did something wrong.

"Wow. Never would've thought…" Cid muttered, scratching the back of his head.

"Just 'cause you can't get a girlfriend doesn't mean no one else can!" Cait Sith chirped from Red's back.

"Sure I can!" Cid said confidently. "For one night, which is as long as I need!"

"You're a dirty old man, Cid," Tifa accused, grinning.

"I know," Cid answered.

"Whaddabout Shera?" Yuffie asked him with a sly glance.

"Whaddabout Shera!" Cid shot back, getting mad. "Damnit, jus' cause we live tergether don't mean nothin'!" He slipped into a thick southern accent, the one the rest of he group had broken him of. "She's ma friend, woman! She ain't nuttin' other'n that!"

"I don't see what the big deal is," Vincent was saying, fiddling with his gauntlet.

"How long?" Tifa asked.

"Year'n a half," Alara answered. "So we're going out. Big deal. Got any mor of those?" She asked Cid, referring to the Chocobo burger in his hand.

"'Course we do. Thanks ta yer psychotic boyfriend," He said, grinning at Vincent, who turned red and looked away.

Fourty-five minutes later, they all packed up and trooped back onto the _Sierra_. Tifa had brought out a baby name book out of boredom.

"Hey, look up Vince's name!" Yuffie suggested after a while.

"Okay. V… v… Valerie… Vin… Vincent. 'To be victorious.' See also… Binky."

Silence.

"Binky Valentine?" Red asked, rying not to laugh for his friend's sake.

Nearly everyone else burst out laughing. Poor Vincent turned bright red and walked out of the cockpit, wishing he could die.

-_Binky?_- Chaos chuckled darkly inside Vincent's skull. –_I think I'll call you that from now on..._-

"_You do, and I'll have to do something I really do not want to do."_

_-Oh really? What's that?-_

_"I'll have to torment you."_

_-Go ahead and try, pretty boy. This's something I have to see.-_

_"Iiit's a small world aafter aalll... Iit's a small world aafter aalll…"_

_-Nooo! Anything but that!-_

_"—It's a small, small, world! Iit's a small world aafter aall…"_

_-Alright! Alright! I'll leave you alone! Just stop! Please!-_

Comforted slightly by his victry, Vincent smiled smugly and ignored the laughter coming from the cockpit.

-_That's the problem with you, Vincent,- _Chaos muttered darkly. –_You're such a sissy.-_

_"Want me to start singing again?"_

Chaos growled at him

"Thought so…" Vincent said aloud, and continued to the Chocobo stable.


	4. The Badger King's Coat

The Problem With Vincent

Chapter 4:  
The Badger King's Coat

Disclaimer: I do not own either FFVII or X.

* * *

Vincent had always liked tight spaces. Comfortably tight, preferrably. The chocobo stable in the _Sierra_ was perfect: warm, close, and comfy. being unused was a definant perk, because he didn't have to worry about sitting on anything. Vincent sighed and sat back. He grinned and hummed a few bars of "It's a Small World" while Chaos made strangling noises inside his head.  
"Vincent! Vince, where are you?"  
"Vampy! Where'd'ja go?"  
"Yuffie, he's not a vampire."  
"Nyaa! Sez you!"  
"Would y'all shut up? It's you girls' fault he ran off."  
"Can it, Cid. You were laughing at him, too."  
"I wasn't laughing _at_ him. I was laughing at his name."  
"Say, Cid, who's flying this thing if you're here?"  
"It's a little thing called autopilot, spikey."  
Vincent chuckled a but at his friends' banter. For some reason, no atter what the circumstances, they always found something to argue about. Just then, Alana peeked her head around the corner and grinned.  
"There ya are, Vince!"  
"Been lookin' all over for ya," Cid said, looking around as well.  
A bell chimed over the intercom. "_Five minutes to destination. Please advise,"_ a computer-generated female voice echoed. "_Autopilot disengaging in two minutes._"  
"Crap," Cid muttered and ran off.  
"So, Vincent," Tifa asked, looking worried, "You alright?"  
"Of course," Vincent replied, brushing straw off his cloak.  
"You sure--"  
"_HEY, EVERYBODAY!_" Barret shouted through the intercom, accompanied by a sharp squeal of feedback. "_WE'RE GETTIN READY TO--_"  
"_Give me that, ya bastard!_" Cid snapped.  
"_Shut up, ya old fart._"  
"_Yer gonna make 'em deaf with all that yellin' retard!_"  
"_No I ain't!_"  
"_Yeah, ya will!_"  
"_Nuh-uh!_"  
"_Yeah-huh!_"  
"_Nuh-uh!_"  
"_Yeah-huh!_"  
Cloud smacked his forehead and stomped to the speaker and hit the red microphone button. "Will you who get on with it?! I've met five-year-old with more maturity!"  
"Damn_, Spikey, I didn't know you could get mad,_" Barret laughed.  
"_Anyway, we're landing,_" Cid announced.

()()()()()()()()()()()(20 minutes later)()()()()()()()()()()()

"Ah, shut up, ya old badger," Alana slurred, having had a bit too much to drink.  
Actually, they all had a bit too much to ethanol pumping through their systems. They were all sitting around a table in a remade AVALANCHE HQ under Tifa's bar in Edge, sharing some friendly drunkeness.  
"Who's a badger?" Cid replied indignantly, his eyes slightly unfocused.  
"You're right, Alana," Tifa agreed. "Cid's a badger."  
"Traitor," the pilot muttered into his beer.  
"I only know one person who's more of a badger," Alana stated, thumping her glass down.  
"Whozat?" Barret demanded.  
"Auron."  
A ripple of acknowledgement went around the table.  
"Well, here's to Sir Auron, King of the Badgers," Yuffie toasted, standing unsteadily and saluting with her glass.  
"He's not all _that_ bad, though," Alana mused. "He gave me his coat."  
"I can't imagine him doing that," Cloud hiccoughed.  
"Well, I kinda got him loaded first."  
"Even then."  
"Okay, so a drank him under the table and stole it off him," Alana admitted. She stared into space with a dreamy look on her face. "But it's such a cool coat..." she giggled. "He looks like a badger, too."  
"He does, doesn't he?" Tifa agreed.  
The night went on, and talk ranged from Auron's greying hair to Red XIII's fur to the breeding habits of slugs. As all of this was going on, Vincent remained sober. He wasn't very much fun drunk, anyway. From what he could remember--no, from what people told him--he tended to cry a lot.  
"Hey, Vinnay!" Barret roared from across the table. "Have summat ta drink!"  
"Ah, no thanks."  
"Don't be such a stiff, Vin!" Yuffie giggled. "You never have any fun!"  
"I fail to see how waking up puking my aching brains out is fun."  
"Nuh-uh!" Yuffie popped open another bottle. "I'll be just fine."  
"Suit yourself, I'm going to bed. Don't come crying to me tomorrow." He got up, and with a habitual dramatic cape flourish, was gone.  
"Y'know what the problem is with yer boyfriend?" Cid said in the general direction of Alana. "He acts like he's got a wrench up his ass. No, a whole metric socket set, case'n'all."  
"I know, but I love him the way he is," Alana replied, and everything was lost in an ale-brown haze.

End chapter 4: The Badger King's Coat.

Next chapter: The Portable Battery


	5. The Portable Battery

The Problem With Vincent

Chapter 5: The Portable Battery

Disclaimer: I do not own FFVII.  
Now, after abandoning this fanfic since forever, I have attempted to bring it back! Speaking of which, I need to play FFVII again. I still haven't beaten Sephiroth.

* * *

Vincent was sitting in the small storage space, slowly shredding a potato with his claw and listening to the shouts and singing coming from the other room. He supposed he should have gone up, but since he had forgotten how to work the pinball elevator, and since everyone else was too drunk to notice he had walked into the storage closet, he decided not to embarrass himself in front of everyone by walking out. He waited for them to drink themselves under the table when the small light flickered out and much swearing came from the other room. He opened the door to darkness.  
"Shit, shit, shit! What the hell happened?!" Oddly enough, that was Yuffie's voice.  
"Damnit Yuffie, where th'ell'dja learn that language?" Cid demanded.  
"Where do ya think, ya old fart?" Her voice was slurred.  
"Shut the hell up!" Cid, apparently, wasn't as drunk as he let on, because his voice was steady. "Musta blown a fuse."  
"Where's the fusebox?" Barret, too, was more sober than he pretended to be.  
"It's up...stairs." Cid's voice fell, and Vince could imagine the changes in feeling on his face. The pilot let out a string of vibrant curses.  
"Well, that's just dandy," Alana said, her voice a bit slurred as well. "So what, are we s'pposed ta sit down here all night?"  
"We're gonna _die_ down here!" Tifa wailed. Vince heard Cloud let out a moan of exasperation.  
"No, no...Hey, Vince! What all's in that closet?" He shouted, because he thought the door was still closed.  
"Some sacks of potatoes, several jars of pickles, and some mechanical equipment."  
"Ah, dandy. Bring all of it out."  
**_What are we, his servants?_** Chaos asked irritably as Vincent started piling the stuff on the table as the pilot lit some lamps. Vincent chose to ignore the demon's grumblings, and opened the jars and bags.  
"Ah, perfect!" Cid lit up a cigarette and pulled out a wire stripper. He set to work immediately.

-2 hours and 23 cigarettes later...-

"Done!" Cid grinned and sat back to admire his haniwork. A giant monstrosity made of pickles, potatoes and wire sat on the table. Vincent looked at it rather disbelievingly.  
"Are you sure that will work?"  
"Positive!" Cid kicked open the panel next to the elevator and attatched the wires to the power cord and pressed the button.

Nothing.

Yuffie started to cry. Vincent groaned and put his hand over his face. Cid looked confused and started to look over his "battery." Alana was looking at Vincent impassively.  
"Hey, Cid," she said, not looking away. "Why don't we use Vince?"  
"Huh?" The pilot looked up, then grinned. "Good idea."  
Vincent blinked. "Oh, no. Oh, _hell_ no."

End chapter 5


End file.
